Een Wonder, rechtstreeks ervaren!

Een Wonder, rechtstreeks ervaren!.

Ik herinner aan de definitie die ik op de home page gaf van een wonder:

Als omstandigheden en  gebeurtenissen in mijn leven in zo een mate positief evolueren  dat ik er (aanvankelijk) helemaal niets van begrijp omdat er ‘onzichtbare krachten’ meespelen.  . ( eigen definitie …)

Dat Frans op mijn weg kwam als persoonlijke studiebegeleider, dat Bert opdook als de ideale persoon om mij doorheen mijn eindwerkpresentatie te sluizen en dat mijn directeur op de proppen kwam met een nieuwe opdracht die me uiteindelijk zou helpen mijn ‘spreekstress’ te overwinnen,  dat waren allemaal gebeurtenissen waar ik me in die periode geen enkele vraag bij stelde , laat staan dat ik dat ook nog wilde begrijpen.  Dingen gebeuren nu eenmaal in je leven. Zonder Frans had mijn beroepsleven er dus anders uit gezien. Zonder Bert had ik sowieso ook wel mijn eindwerk verdedigd, vermoedelijk met een lagere score en wellicht was ik ook niet flauwgevallen op dat podium.  En hoe het me zou zijn vergaan zonder die ingreep van de directeur, who knows? Maar die laatste ingreep stemde me toch wel heel gelukkig. Ik zou dus kunnen zeggen: ik dankte de hemel hiervoor.

De eerste keer dat ik een wonder ervaarde waarbij ik meteen ook de bedenking maakte:’ hé, wat gebeurt hier?’ overviel me toen ik 33 was. Na acht jaar huwelijk en veel twijfels  had ik uiteindelijk al mijn moed bijeengeraapt en een punt achter de relatie gezet. Dertig jaar geleden was het nog niet zo ‘doordeweeks’ om te scheiden, ik was  de eerste in de familie. En je beschouwt zo een beslissing uiteindelijk  als een mislukking, want ik wou mijn kinderen toch eenzelfde warm nest aanbieden als dit waarin ik me had gewenteld.  Niet dus. De beslissing nemen is één zaak, de praktische afhandeling is een andere.  En daar wrong het schoentje, want mijn partner voelde zich behoorlijk tekortgedaan en lag dwars.  Elk voorstel van mijnentwege om tot een financiële regeling te komen en tot een regeling omtrent het bezoekrecht aan de kinderen werd prompt afgewezen. Dat sleepte aan en dat werkte danig op mijn systeem.  ’s Nachts lag ik te woelen in mijn bed en een nacht toen ik de slaap niet kon vatten stapte ik uit bed, ging naar buiten en doolde door de stad. Ik liep en liep, wel een uur lang zonder dat ik tot enig inzicht kwam, met gedachten die me niet uit mijn onrust haalden.  Tot ik uiteindelijk bijna hopeloos mijn blik naar de hemel richtte en smekend verzocht: ‘ Help mij hieruit, ik weet het niet!’ Ik liep enkele tientallen meters verder, er overviel me een ongelooflijke rust en ik hoorde mezelf zeggen: ‘ Waar maak jij je eigenlijk druk om, geef haar wat ze vraagt!’ Wat een idee! Hoe ik daar zelf niet eerder was opgekomen …  . Door het feit dat ik zo totaal ontspannen was twijfelde ik geen moment aan de juistheid van dit voorstel dat door mezelf of door hogere krachten was ingegeven. In de dagen die daarop volgden bleef ik toetsen binnen mezelf of het gevoel daarrond nog goed zat en dat bleek zo. Uiteindelijk is de scheiding voltrokken en heb ik afstand genomen van alles waar ik financieel aanspraak kon op maken en heb ook de regeling rond het bezoekrecht aanvaard.  Zonder enige discussie, zonder voorwaarden.

Een sterker voorbeeld van ‘hogere leiding’ heb ik later nooit meer gehad.

 

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